After I became single again, once again, a few years back, I decided to jump into online dating. Yahoo.com was my first weapon of choice. As it happened I “met” a nice man via email. We spoke on the phone after exchanging a few emails. I was in one of those gregarious moods when he called, and absentmindedly invited him to go to the movies with me and my son that night. Surprisingly he said yes, so our first “date” was scheduled the day before Valentine’s Day. 

The bell rang about 5:00 pm and I opened the door to find a handsome, medium height, well-dressed man, with a killer body. He had even brought me flowers! African violets in a nice pot, always my Mother’s favorite. Needless to say, I was momentarily thrilled with my first foray into online dating in real life. He was well mannered, polite, and seemed to mind neither the kid nor the unruly dogs.

We arrived at the movies only to discover that the next show wasn’t until 8, so we decided to go for Thai food to eat up the time, literally. We finished a pleasant dinner with still an hour to kill. My 8 year old son was getting fidgety, so I let him escape to the arcade next door. My date and I retired to the bar and talked. I expected the usual “getting to know you” talk. OY!

First he rolled up his sleeves, only to reveal a well-decorated arm. Now, as a dancer, I regard the human body as sacred territory, and have never been enthused with the thought of burning decorations onto it. Loading up my restrained social worker self, I expressed interest. He started telling me the stories behind each of his tattoos. Ah, those lovely beasts he had. Skulls, knives, death and destruction up and down each arm. I thought to myself I can deal with this – they’re just skin deep, and my other self was thinking – yikes, can he advertise violence any more loudly? Well, much to my chagrin, yes, he could.

He then sat back, and looked at me soulfully and shifted gears into the “Can I be honest?” mode.

I sat there expecting to hear the usual “single” guy story. You know that one. That one where they’re not really divorced yet, but are separated. The one where they haven’t really even moved out yet, but are really just living in the back room or sleeping on the couch, and haven’t filed papers yet. (Now I always ask men if they have their papers. When you buy a pure breed dog, they come with papers, and I require my dates have papers too! ) Well, a hidden wife wasn’t his story. I wish it had been!

He proceeded to tell me that he had spent five years in jail and was mending his ways. He told me all about his job, and how responsible he had become since his incarceration, and how he’d abandoned his violent ways. He offered few details, so as I shifted into high gear social worker mode, I bent my listening ear, and pried all the details out of him. I think I almost chewed a hole in my mouth while restraining myself from breaking out in a cold sweat and engaging in some really questionable behavior. — Turns out he had been in jail for “protecting” his sister. Seems that his sister had been raped, and the courts had not able to get enough evidence against him so they let the alleged rapist go free. My date, being the protective he-man that he was, decided that unresolved justice didn’t cut it. So he cut it. Yup, he had accosted the man in question and relieved him of his vital parts, so that he could no longer bother any other woman. Not the whole plumbing, just his testicles, or so I was told.

‘So here I was on a first date, with my young child, with a guy who had actually removed another human being’s body parts. Can I pick em or what?? Needless to say, I had no genteel way of extricating myself from the evening. Leave it to me eh? We did finally go to the movies, but conveniently a fire alarm went off half way through it. Although it was a false alarm, and _I_ wasn’t the one who pulled it; it put an abrupt end to the evening! It was fate stepping in, into my little abyss.

So that was the last date I made for Valentine’s Day. I’m a little surprised it wasn’t my last date period! In fact, it was just the first in a long series of online dating adventures you really don’t want to live through. Although, they do make for some entertaining stories at parties. 

The most frightening thing is, to this day, he was the most polite, most respectful, handsome, and considerate man I’ve met through online dating. Yeesh… 

Soooo, YOU think you got a Valentine’s story? Ha! Match mine!